An Engineer's Guide to Cats

Customer Service From Heaven

A call comes through on the customer service line in Heaven.

Customer Service Rep: Yes, Ma'am, how can I help you today?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install love. Can you guide me through the process?

CS Rep: Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let's see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH- ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Heart's in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS." What does that mean?

CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep: Can you pull down the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep: Excellent. You're getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any programming. Also, you need to delete SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back, you will need to empty your recycle bin.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?

CS Rep: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go.

Customer: Yes?

CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some similarly cool modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thanks for your help. By the way, what's your name?

CS Rep: You can call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as The Great Physician. Most people feel all they need is an annual checkup to stay heart-healthy, but the manufacturer suggests a schedule of daily maintenance for maximum efficiency.


Author Unknown

the ice queen shatters

> reprogram
COMMAND NOT FOUND.

> rollback
FAILURE.

> fallback
MALWARE INSTALLED SUCCESSFULLY.

Among the dozens of laptops, I wave the bios swipe card over the dell/microsoft/linux laptop to reinitialize the bios. The LEDs go out, a pause, the lights blink, another pause, something is wrong. The virus has infected the bios, and the swipe card will do nothing. I back away slowly. All of the computers are infected: the old Apple, my custom built computer. It's the chips themselves that were set up to do this originally in the automated factory with malware in their micro code. There is nothing much I can do now.

I slide down into the courtyard. I sense something. I turn. In an instance, I see her. The Ice Queen is forming. She is dropping quickly, almost instantly from the sky, from her ship. I manifest a metal weapon and immediately throw it at where the Ice Queen is going to land. Just before she lands, and starts to take form, the weapon shatters her presence. I don't how I managed to pick just that particular weapon.

Had she landed, we would have all perished in her presence. I have staved her off for now. It will take her time to rebuild the energy required for that form. And, the malware is still running!

of gold and piracy

This comes down to finding the gold or piracy! Fire the cannons or walk the plank! We'll have none of that either or stuff.



Captain MetaMorPHOSIS runs a sleek sailing ship. She's aging at just a tad over five years old now since when I first acquired her. Aging, but runs fast, and close to the wind. I have no plans to make large upgrades to me ship or acquire any new ships to add to ar fleet anytime soon. Besides, I 'aven't even a tupence to buy two loaves of bread.

Java. We don't NORMally drink the black juice from hell. My preference is to turn off the old brewer on board here unless we really need it. It is packed away for now. I'll bring it out if I really need to. And ye, some a ye might go down below to sneak a few sips sometimes. You can chat all ye want with yer Sun-baked Java. We drink pure Hermetically Tainted Magical Liquid up on deck, hear.

Word. We don't NORMally speak the Word of the allgawd awful. We know those nations just to the south, Redmondos and Cupertinos alike. Vast empires of pillage, rap, and mordork. So, do I enter into bondage with these rapscalians and give them the 400 gps for their vulgar Word, or do I seek the Word in wariouz other places like a bloodthirsty pirate. Yes, we'll find ar'selves ar own scriptor to read them cards and treasure maps, sumhow.

Let me know if any of ye scalliwags concur?